


The True Confessions of Smash Bros

by rnifnuf



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Multi, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:27:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22447930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rnifnuf/pseuds/rnifnuf
Summary: A first-hand testimonial of what really happens when everyone is here.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	1. Through the Portal

Ah, _Super Smash Bros_! Never has there been a game series so daunting yet so accessible, so celebrated yet so controversial, so divisive yet so unifying. What started as an unlikely party game has gone on to form the basis of friendships and livelihoods alike, capturing millions of hearts along the way.

As with any popular piece of media, many fans of _Smash Bros_ like to imagine how its characters get along in daily life. Some even write stories about our misadventures, with a range of quality about as diverse as the roster that inspired them. However, even the best and most amusing of these stories get some details wrong.

How do I know this? Well, as a fighter myself, I know what really happens when everyone is here. Which reminds me: I haven't introduced myself yet.

I am Palutena, Goddess of Light, and I will tell the stories of life both on and off the battlefields of _Smash Bros_.

Some of you may be wondering right now if every story I tell will feature me in any role other than the narrator. While I would like to share some of my own experiences and perspectives, the answer is no. Of course, this leads to the question of how I can narrate stories I didn't personally witness. The answer to that is simple:

I'm a goddess. I'm omnipotent. Duh.

And even if I wasn't, word does get around quickly–and not just among the roster. Truly, the love of gossip transcends the multiverse.

Even though I know everything that happens around me–or, at least, everything I pay attention to–I still have to sift through the stories to determine which ones are worth telling and which ones are not. I imagine that some will be amusing, possibly even heartwarming or surreal. At the same time, other stories may be quite dark, even going so far as to face sensitive topics head-on. But I'm getting ahead of myself. After all, I have years' worth of stories to tell, and I think the best place to start would be when I arrived in the _Smash Bros._ universe for the _Ultimate_ era on 3 December 2018–and right away, I found myself in good company.

* * *

"Can you believe it, Lady Palutena‽" Pit called as we passed through the portal. "We're finally back in Smash! I can't wait to get back to the Palace, and see all my friends, and then meet the newcomers, and eat all the awesome food, too!"

"I'm glad you're excited, Pit," I chuckled, "and I am, too. But we have to wait for Dark Pit and Viridi."

"When do you think they'll get here?"

"That depends," a voice behind them asked. "When will Sakurai finally get to take a break?"

I don't know about Pit, but I certainly wasn't surprised when we turned around and saw Dark Pit and Viridi behind us.

"Hey, Pittoo!" Pit called. "Nice to see ya again!"

"How many times do I have to tell you? Stop calling me Pittoo!"

"Aww, but it's fuuuun!"

"Pit," Viridi groaned, "I swear, if you whine like that one more time, I'm gonna shove my staff up your ass."

"Whoa!" Pit shouted. "Viridi, you can't swear like that! This is a Nintendo game!"

"Bullshit!" Pittoo responded. "They've made and helped make plenty of mature games: _Eternal Darkness_ , _Bayonetta 2_ , _Devil's Third_ , _Mother 3_..."

"What? _Mother 3_ is totally kid-friendly!"

"Do you even hear yourself, Pitstain? For someone so close to Lucas, you really don't know a lot about his adventure."

"You're just jealous that I'm closer to him than you!"

"What‽ I am not jealous! What do you think this is, a bad _Smash Bros._ fanfiction?"

Viridi and I stood back and watched, slightly amused, yet also mildly annoyed, as the two kept bickering.

"Ugh, they need to get a room," she groaned to me.

"I can't help but agree," I answered. "As fun as it is to watch them go off like this, we should break them up and get to the Palace. What we need right now is a distraction."

And we certainly got it when we heard someone yell "YAHOO!" and land on the ground. We knew who it was right away.

"Hey, Mario!" Pit grabbed the plumber's attention.

"Ayyyy, Pit!" Mario grinned as he walked over to shake Pit's hand. "So nice to see you again! How have you been?"

"Oh, man, you have no idea! I've been waiting for this day for so long! I can't wait to meet all the newcomers!"

"Well, you're gonna get to do that right about now."

No sooner had Mario finished his sentence, than an enthusiastic scream rang out. We turned around to see Luigi holding the hand of a young woman clad in orange.

"I can't believe it, sweetie!" the woman squealed as she grasped Luigi. "I'm finally gonna fight in Smash Bros! I've been waiting, like, my entire life for this, and now I'm finally here!"

"I'm really happy you're here too, _amore_ ," he replied. I don't think I had ever seen Luigi smile so earnestly before. For a second, I thought he had eaten the one kind of mushroom that Nintendo would never dare talk about. It soon occurred to me, however, that the real drug was the woman standing next to him.

"No freakin' way!" Pit shouted. "Daisy‽ You're a fighter now‽"

"You better believe it!" Daisy answered. "Sure took 'em long enough, but now I'ma show the whole roster that I'm here, and it's Daisy time, bitches!"

"Daisy time? Heh, not if I have anything to say about it!"

"You're on, man! Hey, when we do face off, don't go easy on me, alright? I may be new here, but I can still put up a fight."

"Yeah, I know. That's why I'm lookin' forward to it."

"Looks like you brought the whole crew to watch your ass get whooped: Palutena, Viridi, and... um, the... edgy kid. What was your name again?"

"Oh, him?" Pit smirked. "We just call him 'Pittoo.'"

"Don't listen to my idiot brother, Daisy," Pittoo huffed. "My name is Dark Pit. He just thinks it's so funny to call me 'Pittoo,' even though I hate that name."

"Aw, come on!" Daisy protested. "Don't be a hater... Pittoo."

Dark Pit groaned as everyone else laughed at his misfortune. Even when Daisy just visited as a guest, I always knew she and Pit would get along splendidly.

"So," Daisy asked once the laughter had died down, "When's the next train to-"

An announcement came over the intercom: "THE NEXT TRAIN FOR SMASHVILLE LEAVES IN TWENTY MINUTES. PLEASE HAVE YOUR TICKET OR FIGHTER I.D. CARD READY UPON BOARDING."

"Guess that answers that question!" Daisy huffed.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Mario started towards the station.

"Wait a minute!" Pit said, looking around frantically. "Where's Peach?"

"Right... here!" Peach panted as she dashed through the portal. "So sorry... I'm late. My bags... spilled. Did we... miss... the train?"

"Not at all," I assured her. "The train leaves in twenty minutes, so there's still some time."

"Well," Mario started again, "what are-"

"What about Rosalina?" Pit interrupted. "Where is she?"

"I'm not sure," Peach explained. "If I had to guess, though, she's probably at the Palace already; knowing her, she would want to maximize her time with Lucas."

"Oh, yeah!" Daisy exclaimed. "Lucas is gonna be there. I swear, Rosie is the _perfect_ mom for him, and I will literally fight anyone who disagrees! They're so adorable together, and I can't wait to see 'em."

"Well, then," Mario started, slower, "what are we waiting for?" He waited for a response, which never came.

"Nothing? Then... let's-a go!"

With that, we started towards the station–towards a new round of great experiences and memories to share for years to come. But, of course, those stories will be told in due time.


	2. The Palace of Champions

At the eastern end of Sakurai Boulevard in Smashville, the largest known city in the _Smash_ Universe, is the Palace of Champions. This ornate mansion is where we fighters live during our time here. In addition to our comfortable bedrooms, it also boasts such facilities as a library, a restaurant, a large ballroom, an auditorium, and a gaming center, as well as a garden and a large swimming pool in the back. Furthermore, a team of dedicated staff keeps us secure and comfortable by running and maintaining said facilities.

The Palace is also home to the _de facto_ rulers of the Smash Universe: Master Hand and Crazy Hand. Contrary to their depiction in the games, they actually are not antagonistic to us fighters; if they were, why would we live with them? Even though we are technically here primarily for their amusement, and their word is final and absolute, they treat us with dignity, and we return the favor. After all, without them, there would be no Smash for us to enjoy.

I bring up Master Hand in particular because he was the first to greet us as we stepped into the Palace.

"Well, this is a pleasant surprise: both the Mario and Kid Icarus parties, arriving at the same time! I trust you've all been well."

"We have, thank you," Peach answered. "Yourself?"

"I, for one, am quite excited for the _Ultimate_ era. Arranging everything has proven quite difficult, but I have faith that it will pay off. Now, allow me to show you to your rooms."

"Oh, that's quite alright. You really needn't trouble yourself; just tell us our room numbers, and we can find them ourselves."

"No, I insist. Besides, the Palace has changed slightly since you were here last. For one, we've added a floor to accommodate the newcomers."

"Is that so? Are there really that many‽"

"Well, it's not just newcomers; you'll see in due time. But I digress. Let's go."

After Master Hand showed Pit, Viridi, Dark Pit and I to our rooms–all on the fourth floor–he continued on to the next floor to give Mario and company the same courtesy. As soon as I finished unpacking, I set out to catch up with my friends from other worlds. Out of everyone, there was one I just had to see right away, and the moment I got to her door, it took nearly everything within me not to squeal with excitement. I wanted to be somewhat more subtle, opting to knock instead.

"Who is it?" a sweet voice asked from the other side.

"Well, that depends," I jested. "Who do you wa-"

I hadn't even finished my sentence when the door swung open, revealing on the other side my dear friend, Rosalina. I just couldn't help myself: I reached up and hugged her right away, and she did for me likewise.

"Rosie!" I squealed, "Oh, I'm so happy to see you again!"

"As am I, dear," she chuckled. "How have things been in Skyworld?"

"Things have been quite peaceful... well, other than the vegetable uprising, that is."

"Vegetable uprising? You simply must tell me about it!"

"And I certainly will in due time. First, I just have to know: has Lucas arrived yet?"

"No, unfortunately. But I talked to Master Hand about it, and he confirmed that he has, in fact, coming."

"Well, then, I guess we both have something to look forward to! Oh, every time he calls me 'auntie'... ah, my heart just melts just thinking about it!"

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

"Anyways," I said, "it's not just Pit and I that got here today. We also met up with Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Daisy at the portals, an-"

"Sorry, Daisy?"

"Yeah! She finally got in!"

"Wonderful! Oh, Tina, we simply must go see her. I know we were just reunited, and that you've already spent some time with her, but if it's okay with you..."

"Oh, that's quite alright. In fact, let's go right now!"

So, Rosie and I went to catch up with everyone. While we enjoyed ourselves, there admittedly isn't much to say about our time together. Thankfully, that's not something I can say about the days that followed.


	3. Meet the Fighters

Over the next three days, which ended up feeling more like three months with all the excitement, more and more fighters poured in. Old friends caught up with each other, and new ones were made in short order. We all got to know the newcomers' names on the eve of the Grand Opening Tournament, when Master Hand and Crazy Hand gathered us veterans in the Auditorium to introduce them.

"Welcome, one and all," Master Hand began as he appeared before us. "As you are aware, a new era of _Smash Bros_ is upon us. Crazy Hand and I have worked long and hard to bring as many people to the battlefield as possible."

"Yeah," Crazy Hand followed, "because writing a couple of invitations is _so fucking hard_. It's not like you're literally a giant hand or anything."

"Quiet! Anyhow, after a lot of planning—and, as I'm sure you've noticed, adding an entirely new floor to the Palace—I am thrilled to announce that everyone is here!"

Everyone is here? Whatever he meant by that, everyone's interest was piqued, mine included.

"That's right, ladies and gentlebitches!" Crazy Hand exclaimed. " Every single fighter who has ever fought in _Smash Bros_ is either returning or being represented by a successor. We even threw in some newcomers for shits and giggles. I'm sure you're all dying to meet them, so I'll instead give a 90-minute lecture abo-"

"By which he means we'll introduce all the newcomers on this stage tonight. Let's start off strong with our brand new Triforce trio. Stepping out of the twilight and into the spotlight, come on out, Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf!"

From the left, a young man in a sea blue tunic—unmistakably the Hero of the Wild—ran onto the stage and flashed his sword before sheathing it. From the left, a large, powerful-looking figure, who I could only assume was Ganondorf, rocketed onto the stage with Wizard's Foot, before standing up and bowing graciously. In the middle, a bright, yellow-green ribbon appeared, twirling like a top, and fading away to reveal the beautiful, bright-eyed Princess Zelda. Truly, all three were a sight to behold!

"But wait," Crazy Hand said, "there's more! You guys like Link? I know I do. That's why we've got _three_ of 'em! You heard right, folks! We even managed to get the Hero of Time himself. Welcome back, Young Link!"

A young boy, clad entirely in green, dashed onto the stage with his sword and shield. Despite the presence of his nemesis, whom he had slain in his own timeline, he beamed with pride as we fighters, especially the _Melee_ veterans, stood and cheered for him.

Once the applause had died down, and the Zelda fighters joined us in the audience, Master Hand continued.

"Our next returnee shows our commitment to the phrase 'Everyone is here' perhaps more than any other."

"And given what you just saw, she also sets us up for an episode called 'Three Links and a Baby Pokémon'," Crazy Hand quipped.

"While I can't promise that, I can promise that she'll melt your hearts. Escorted here tonight by her older sister, Cathy, please give a warm welcome to Annie the Pichu!"

Our hearts all fluttered when Cathy, our Pikachu, led Annie by her hand to the middle of our stage, but I don't think any of us were prepared for what happened next. After a few seconds in the spotlight, Cathy picked Annie up and presented her to us proudly. I don't know about everyone, but I thought this was the cutest thing ever! Actually, I don't know what was cuter: that, or when they ran up and jumped into Samus' arms and began nuzzling her, and her face went all red!

Once the commotion died down a bit, Crazy Hand continued.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you guys really like Pokémon. Even though GameFreak has been phoning it in since, like, 2013. I mean, no offense to Mr. Frog Legs over here, but X and Y kinda marked the start of the series' fall from grace."

Amidst the awkward silence, the Greninja folded its arms in contempt.

"...I guess the point I'm framing is, if you like Pokémon, then y'all are in for a real treat! Remember Blaise the Charizard? Well, he's back, and this time, he brought some friends!"

Right on cue, six Pokéballs flew onto the stage, and from them came two Squirtle, two Ivysaur, and two Charizard. Just as they appeared, a young boy and girl, each about twelve years old, ran onto the stage and posed with their respective teams. We clapped as the Pokémon Trainers smiled, and waved, before taking their Pokémon with them to the audience.

"Pretty cool, huh?" Master Hand said. "Which reminds me of our next pair of returnees: the original 'cool' kids, so to speak, of _Smash Bros_ , the Ice Climbers, Nana and Popo!"

Nana and Popo excitedly ran out onto the stage, where they were met with due applause—though I suspect it was merely a courtesy from those who remembered their infamous desynchronized attacks.

Once they had joined us in the audience, Crazy Hand spoke up.

"Alright," he began, "playtime's over. Our last two returnees are mean, lean, war machines. First is the legendary mercenary himself, Solid Snake!"

Amidst the applause, a cardboard box shuffled awkwardly onto the stage.

"Alright, Snake," Master Hand chuckled, "you can come out now."

There was no response.

"Snake? Snake‽"

"There!"

All of a sudden, the box erupted into flames as it was engulfed by a small explosion. Snake dove and somersaulted onto the stage, landing in a crouch as we in the audience cheered and roared for his epic entrance. Without another word, he stood up and made his way towards the seats.

"As for our final returnee," Master Hand hesitantly began, "well, we recognize that he may cause a bit of a stir, but hear him out as we bring him out."

Crazy Hand emerged from the right side of the stage, holding what appeared to be a heavy-duty leash. We soon saw what—or, in this case, who—was on the other end: an indignant, slouching Wolf O'Donnell.

Among us _Brawl_ veterans (I was Pit's coach and PR manager during this time, so I can speak from experience), our collective fondest memory of him was when he was banished from _Smash_ for his recurrent problematic behavior. Even so, our reactions were still varied. On one end of the spectrum was Lucas, who clung nervously to Rosalina, despite Wolf's compromised state. In between was an assortment of gasps and whispers. And then there was Falco, whose boisterous laughter did not go unnoticed by Wolf.

"Are you done, Lombardi?" he growled at the cackling bird.

"Yeah, Falco," Fox followed up. "We get it. He's on a leash."

"Hey," Falco answered, "don't be a buzzkill, Fox. Can't a guy get a little schadenfreude 'round here?"

"Look," Fox lowered his voice, "I hate him as much as you do, but this? It just isn't right to kick him while he's down. At any rate, we can talk about it later; I think he wants to speak now."

"What makes you say that?"

"Wolf," Master Hand said, "care to explain what's going on?"

Wolf took to the podium and began to explain himself.

"Alright. I know a few of you... well, actually, most of you, might be surprised to see me back, and I know I have a bad name here. But as long as I'm here, I'm on indefinite probation. Basically, I have to be on my 'best behavior', and if I fuck up even once, I-"

"EHHHHHHNNNN!" Crazy Hand interrupted with a buzzer-like screech. "No swearing in front of the good boys and girls! To the gallows with you!"

"Wait, wha-"

Suddenly, Crazy Hand began laughing and pointing at poor Wolf, dumbfounded and seething with rage at this prank. As Falco, among others, joined in on the laughter, Fox just buried his face into his hands and pretended not to exist.

"Just get this damn leash off me!" Wolf demanded.

"Alright, Brother," Master Hand said, "you've had your fun, now let him go."

As soon as the Hands loosened the leash, Wolf cast it off to the side and stormed furiously out of the auditorium. Even fully aware of his track record, I, for one, felt bad for him.

"And on that bombshell," Master Hand said, trying to keep the momentum of the event going, "we've seen all the returning fighters. Which means we get to move on to the newcomers! Starting things off are a few familiar faces turned full-fledged fighters: Chrom, Daisy, Isabelle, and Ken!"

Chrom and Ken rushed in from the right, and Daisy and Isabelle from the left, before all four posed together in the center of the stage. We all cheered at these frequent and popular guests of the Fourth Era joining us permanently.

"Now, hold on to your hats—and the rest of your gear," Crazy Hand excitedly began, "'cause you won't even know what to thINK when our next newcomers show up. I was skeptical at first, but this BRINE pair managed to woo me. This ain't no BAIT-and-switch, folks; it's all for EEL! Give it up for our very own pair of Inklings, Nara and Axel!"

Without warning, two Splat Bombs flew out onto the stage, colliding in mid-air before exploding and coating the stage in orange and blue ink. A pair of young Inklings then jumped from their respective colors of ink and posed on stage as the rest of us applauded them. Suddenly, they ran up to the podium, and the orange-tentacle girl began to speak.

"Yoooooooooo! What up all? My name Nara, this Axel, and we here to settle it in _Smash_! Is be good time, ne? Well, go not easy; we can take! Booyah!"

The two Inkings high-fived as they came to join us in the audience.

"Damn," Daisy said to Peach, "that girl's got some serious spunk!"

The face Shulk made at her comment told me that he would've had a spit-take had he been drinking something. I wonder if he had a vision about that...

Either way, I doubt that even he could've foreseen what would come next.

"And now for something completely different!" Crazy Hand announced before snapping, at which point Ridley and Dark Samus both charged onto the stage. Suffice it to say, we were all taken aback. Whereas most of the previous fighters were met with cheers and applause, the two villains on stage were met with shocked gasps and whispers of disbelief. And through it all, Samus was... just sitting there, holding onto Cathy and Annie, looking mildly uncomfortable at worst. We were just as puzzled by her reaction—or, rather, her lack thereof—until she got up and explained what was happening.

"Alright, calm down, everyone," she said. "They aren't the real Ridley and Dark Samus; they're just robotic replicas. I'm only cool with it because Master Hand asked me if he could build them, and I said 'okay'."

"Quite right," Master Hand added. "These replicas of Dark Samus and Ridley will merely be used to fill bracket slots in case not enough fighters sign up for a tournament. Otherwise, they will remain in storage, so there is no need to worry about them terrorizing the Palace."

"Shame we couldn't get the real deal, right?" Crazy Hand added.

"Oh, yeah," Samus answered. " _Big_ fuckin' shame!"

"Wait," Pit asked as the Ridley and Dark Samus replicas walked off stage, "I thought you hated them."

"It's called sarcasm, dicknips!"

"Alright, I get it! You don't need-"

"Sheesh, you two," Crazy Hand interjected. "Get a room already! At any rate, I kinda wanted the real Ridley, just to see how Samus would react, but then Master Hand let his precious little feelings kill all the fun."

Samus just gave him the middle finger.

"So," Crazy Hand continued, "we compromised. In exchange for a fake Ridley and Dark Samus, I had the honor of inviting the very real King K. Rool!"

Just as Crazy Hand announced, the rotund, reptilian beast dashed onto the stage, stopping in the middle to stomp about, slap his belly, and laugh. By far the most enthusiastic applause came from the other villains—not that the Kongs didn't try to drown them out with their disapproving grunts, screeches, and thumps.

"Now, now," Master Hand said to the Kongs, "I respect that you three have an... uncomfortable history, but remember, he is contractually obligated to not cause too much trouble. You all are. What I'm saying is, you and your bananas will be safe so long as all of you are here."

Diddy Kong just crossed his arms and turned away. Donkey Kong made the "I'm watching you" gesture at King K. Rool as he went to sit with the other villains.

"You know," Crazy Hand said, "with all these villains coming back and debuting, it gives the impression that some like it dark. I, for one, like it Dark-type... just like our next newcomer. This beast has the red-hot spirit of a wrestler, and he's got the moves to match it! If you try to grapple, he'll crunch you like an apple! You can never snore against... Mick the Incineroar!"

With no other warning, a fireball shot onto the stage, crashing into it with great force. From the flames emerged a hulking beast, who let out a mighty roar. He then began to pose and laugh heartily as we showered him with cheers and applause for his entrance. Even as Crazy Hand ushered him off the stage so we could continue the introductions, he wore a cocky grin on his face. What a magnificent sight he was!

"With all these beasts and villains debuting and returning," Master Hand said, "it might make you want to see someone who knows how to handle demons."

"Oh, yes," Bayonetta, in the seat next to mine, remarked, "that would be lovely. Pity there's nobody in this room with any such experience."

"Too bad for you," Crazy Hand remarked, "these guys are more about killing demons than working with 'em. When a problem comes along, you can count on 'em to whip it: come on out, Simon and Richter Belmont!"

Two strapping men dashed onto the stage, one from each side. Upon meeting in the middle, they pulled out each of their Vampire Killers and cracked them off to the sides a few times, before facing each other and shaking hands. Hero or villain, everyone cheered for these two icons finally joining our ranks. Everyone, that is, except Bayonetta, who had her arms crossed in disappointment.

"Goddess," she turned to me and asked, "how long will it take for them to give me grief for existing?"

"If I had to guess," I answered, "I'd say about a week. I just want to be there when they try to convert you!"

"Oh, that sounds simply dreadful. But if you'll be there, then I'll be sure to put on a show, just for you."

"So, business as usual?"

"Baby, you know that kind of business is my pleasure."

By the time our little exchange was over, the applause had died down.

"And that's everyone!" Crazy Hand announced. "Well, except for the Plant."

We all shared that same confusion when Crazy Hand mentioned a plant. What plant? The only thing any of us could think of were the Pikmin, but they can't fight without their captain. Was this "plant", perhaps, a Bulbmin?

It wasn't a Bulbmin, as you may have guessed, but it was close. When the Piranha Plant walked out on stage, I think we were all just confused—even about how confused we should have been. Only one of us showed any excitement at all: Viridi, from the back of the auditorium, stood alone in cheering on our behalf; Dark Pit quickly followed suit with applause, but he's not exactly the most vocal person. Plant took a bow at this lone source of appreciation and shuffled off the stage to join his newfound cheerleader.

"And that's everyone!" Master Hand proclaimed. "At least, until the first of the Designated Late Combatants arrives! We're still working out the details, but you can expect at least five of them, starting next Spring. But for now, everyone is here! Give another round of applause for your fellow fighters!"

After our round of applause, Master Hand moved on to the next big announcement of the night.

"Now, as you all know, tomorrow is the start of the Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Grand Opening Tournament. As part of the celebration of this brand new era for all of us, everyone will fight in this 75-player, 3-stock, first-to-three, single elimination tournament. Normally, it would be double elimination, but since I want to get it done before Christmas, this one is single elimination. Anyhow, the full bracket is posted in the HAL Grand Ballroom in the northern wing of the Palace, but I see it fit to announce tomorrow's matches here. At 9:00 AM, sharp, the tournament begins with the very first match: Daisy vs. Bayonetta... vs. Chrom!"

A three-person opening match‽ I don't think that had ever happened before!

"As I said before," Master Hand resumed, "there are currently 75 distinct fighters. This is more than 64, but not enough to justify having a round of 128 with 53 byes. Therefore, Crazy Hand and I opted to have eleven three-way matches during the first round, which will accordingly be called the Round of 75."

"Ha," Wario jeered, "leave it to Bayonetta to get involved in a threeway!"

"If you were in a threeway with me," Bayonetta assured him, "you'd spend all night on all fours."

"Alright, everyone," Master Hand said amidst the following laughter. "We still have seven more matches to discuss, and I seriously doubt you'll want to miss the next one. At 10:00, we will see a long-awaited showdown between light and dark, when Pit faces off against Dark Pit!"

"Aw, sweet!" Pit shouted before turning to his dark counterpart. "I'm not gonna hold back, and you can count on it, Pittoo!"

"With that thick skull of yours," Dark Pit answered, "that's the only thing anyone can count on from you, Pitstain!"

"Hey, save it for the Battlefield," Crazy Hand shouted, "or the bedroom, whichever comes first. After all, we got more matches to reveal. Dr. Mario vs. Meta Night is scheduled for 11:00, and Zelda vs. Bowser Jr. for noon."

"Following a brief break," Master Hand continued, "is our second three-fighter match at 2:00 PM: Sonic vs. Alph vs. Incineroar. At 3:00 is Stuart vs. Ike, followed by Mario vs. Leaf vs. Plant at 4:00. Finally, the first day ends with Bowser vs. Wario at 5:00. From then on, matches will be held almost every day until the tournament concludes, which, barring delays, will be on the 21st, two weeks from tomorrow. That's all the announcements there are. Once again, welcome newcomers, and welcome back returnees, and best of luck to everyone on the Battlefield tomorrow!"

"Now," Crazy Hand finished, "if you'll turn your attention to the dining hall, you'll notice the banquet we've commissioned, which is now getting cold. Well, what are you waiting for? Go enjoy the good food!"

It should come as no surprise that Pit, among others, leapt out of his seat at the word "banquet"; truly, his stomach is a black hole that puts my final smash to shame! He clambered over all the empty seats—and one or two occupied ones—and nearly broke out into a sprint once he reached the isle. In fact, the only thing that stood in his way was the fighter he unceremoniously bumped into and almost knocked to the ground.

"AH!" he squealed, "Ohmygosh, are you okay‽"

"Yes... I think so," the other fighter replied.

"Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry! I-I swear, I'm not always this clumsy!"

"Wrong," Dark Pit sidled up next to Pit, "he's always like this, especially around food and cute girls."

"I am not!" Pit protested.

"Suit yourself, Pitstain," Dark Pit answered as he walked away.

"Goodness," the other fighter remarked, "does he always treat you that way?"

"No," Pit answered, "but when he does, it's so annoying!"

"Wait a second, you two are fighting tomorrow, right? I seem to recall you exchanging insults while the Hands were announcing the brackets."

"Yeah, that's right," he extended his hand. "I'm Pit, by the way. And you're... Princess Zelda? Is that right?"

"Yes, I am," Zelda replied as she took Pit's hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Pit. And, by the way, you can just call me 'Zelda'."

"Alright, Zelda. Hey, uh, wanna maybe sit together for dinner? I could introduce you to all my friends, like Lady Palutena, Lucas, Mario, Daisy..."

"I'd be delighted to."

With that, the two set off for the dining hall, Pit accommodating Zelda's slower pace, chatting the whole way there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to MS Word, this chapter alone is 3503 words long, which is 1.5× longer than the first two combined! That, combined with schoolwork throughout spring, is why it took so long to write. I doubt that future chapters will be this long, but we'll see!


End file.
